i've decided

maybe the reason we wake up with hearts intact only to fall asleep with them dented is: one day when the latest imperfection is hammered in by clumsy hands we can look at the scratched golden surface to see its been molded into something else. something beyond, something beautiful. and to see the smudged fingerprints of everyone who has touched that heart. to know that they live, and you live, and will continue to. to march onwards. to let the smallest light shine and reflect on that heart and push away just a little bit of the darkness. just enough to see each others faces and smile. to find each others hands in the dark.one day i will make everyones hearts glow for even just a moment and the darkness will clear. and we will see the beautiful place we are in.

dear god, dear songs, dear words, dear loves: this is what i believe in.

nothing will ever feel the same as this

" it's so hard to talk about you, not because I don't love you with all of my heart but because our relationship is so different, so complex. I've pushed you out of my life more than once, but I always let you back in. Because without you...there's a gap. There's no beautiful words. There's no beautiful girl on the phone afraid to tell me they love me. There's no one that thinks like you, theres absolutely no one else like you. And I love that. No matter how many times i'm fucked over, no matter how many times I come to you crying, giving up, you reassure me that there's someone out there, to keep loving, to keep fighting. And I doubt it, I honestly do. But I will keep trying, and fighting, and loving. for you. because of you. It's so hard to explain what you mean to me. I'm almost afraid to talk about it. And I don't know why. I hate how you automatically cry when I call you crying. I love hearing you talk and just your voice. It's calming. It's safe. Don't ever think that you don't mean a lot to me, don't ever think that I don't love you, because I do, firefly. You've been with me through a lot. through it all. you know more than i let most people know about me. you know me and one day. we will meet. "

jack be nimble

think i lost the spark

the naming of things

i've got this awful feeling in my chest
like the world just ended when i was about to take a breath or
blink away the tears. the chills up my spine remind me of the night you stuck your fist through the window and the cold air rushed in searching for warm corners of the room.
i can remember the scars on your knuckles much more than i can remember your face.
you only come here when you are hurt or sad, i hope you never come here again. kept our feet tucked under each other and read our fortunes, the scratches on our palms and the bottom of coffee cups. the stories of shadows on bedroom floors and hearts dug out of chests. the blood on his hands when he looked out the window. pulse stuttering out of his skin with her hand fisted in his collar.god, you make me believe in god. if i turn around right now your eyes will be dark like when you just wake up, and your fingers cold like they always are.
i know you'll try to touch me and i just can't hold it in anymore.i've got this awful feeling in my chest and all i can think to do is press my fingers into the grooves between your ribs.

dream to remember, sleep to forget.
the way you make make heart beat like machine gun fire
i've got the death toll written all over my face. i dream, and trees grow in the streets, bird sing. i sleep, and your edges start to blur and fade.

take a breath, blink away the tears.

"i solemnly swear i am up to no good"

home

what i exist for comes down to this.
this moment.


"boomerang my head, back to the city i grew up in..."

"valiant"

our fingerprints don't match but our hands cast the same shadow. you sleep in your bed, she sleeps on the floor, i sleep in between classes. day shift, night shift, unemployment line. we all dream whether we remember or not. we eat, breathe, shit, grow. we shed and spit blood. sing or just mouth along. forty-six chromosomes and a combination of X and Y. you count sheep while i count your eyelashes. our fingerprints dont match but

i dont much fucking care
when
our hands are pressed together.

used to be one of the rotten ones

your voice breaks my chest open like a fortune. i think of you at night and wonder if you've stayed clean and if you are happy and in love. remember when you were my shadow? i kept you close, wrapped around my ankles and wrists. remember when i lost my mind? screaming at things that weren't there, you rested your hand against the nape of my neck. you don't even exist beyond the edges of my heart.
a figment of the worlds imagination. a collective hallucination.
a lonely thief. a cricket on my shoulder. a fuck you can't forget or fight out of your system.
you will be my sweetest downfall, dreaming of empty wine bottles and sleeping in the corners of dark rooms. i drained your only crutch in the sink, set your love on fire on the kitchen floor. we bombed the city as the sun came up.
i met you at a party, in a bar, in central park, on the subway- we whispered and told stories and cut out our spines. we skinned ourselves on someones couch. we cut off all our eyelashes.
tonight my lips are blue and all i can feel are the shadows biting at my wrists and ankles where your fingerprints burned in.

these are the things i think about

when i'm alone without you. i wonder of your whereabouts, and hope to hell you're happy where you are.

sometimes the planets align
i like to push them into place
make your own luck
clovers crafted from paper and glue
white rabbits foot still clutching that pocketwatch
sweet tooth fight that bitter pill
bleach bone skeletons get their fill
of benzedrine, she's it for me
got your veins split wide open
the preacher's knocking at your door
while counting the specks in the tiles,
half asleep on the bathroom floor.

a bit of dialogue for you:

-hey.
- what?
-you're ugly and boring.

i'll admit, it's hard to talk shit with a bruised jaw. i'll keep this in the dip between thumb and finger, behind the back of my knees, tucked into the hollow behind my ears.

lost things.

wishful thinking

lake effect kid: in case i wasn't the only one wondering. woe-begone, baby gone.

funny how it can work out. that little record spinning in a dark corner of the room makes the world stop. i know what i'm going to do. i was born for that city and that city was made for me. for all of us who have certain words and hearts in common. i've been a coward my whole life. now its time to "do what scares me the most". i'll go it alone if i have to. they say you don't regret the things you do- but the things you don't. i won't stay here and turn to dust like the rest of them. i refuse to live a rinse and repeat life. i refuse to be less than what i am.

"saturday..."

our scars are our personal table of contents

The Modern Library Top 100 Novels (Reader's List)
ATLAS SHRUGGED by Ayn Rand
THE FOUNTAINHEAD by Ayn Rand
BATTLEFIELD EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
THE LORD OF THE RINGS by J.R.R. Tolkien
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
1984 by George Orwell
ANTHEM by Ayn Rand
WE THE LIVING by Ayn Rand
MISSION EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
FEAR by L. Ron Hubbard
ULYSSES by James Joyce
CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller
THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald
DUNE by Frank Herbert
THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS by Robert Heinlein
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND by Robert Heinlein
A TOWN LIKE ALICE by Nevil Shute
BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
GRAVITY'S RAINBOW by Thomas Pynchon
THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck
SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
GONE WITH THE WIND by Margaret Mitchell
LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
SHANE by Jack Schaefer
TRUSTEE FROM THE TOOLROOM by Nevil Shute
A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY by John Irving
THE STAND by Stephen King
THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN by John Fowles
BELOVED by Toni Morrison
THE WORM OUROBOROS by E.R. Eddison
THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
MOONHEART by Charles de Lint
ABSALOM, ABSALOM! by William Faulkner
OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham
WISE BLOOD by Flannery O'Connor
UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
FIFTH BUSINESS by Robertson Davies
SOMEPLACE TO BE FLYING by Charles de Lint
ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac
HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
YARROW by Charles de Lint
AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS by H.P. Lovecraft
ONE LONELY NIGHT by Mickey Spillane
MEMORY AND DREAM by Charles de Lint
TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
THE MOVIEGOER by Walker Percy
TRADER by Charles de Lint
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY by Douglas Adams
THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
THE HANDMAID'S TALE by Margaret Atwood
BLOOD MERIDIAN by Cormac McCarthy
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
ON THE BEACH by Nevil Shute
A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
GREENMANTLE by Charles de Lint
ENDER'S GAME by Orson Scott Card
THE LITTLE COUNTRY by Charles de Lint
THE RECOGNITIONS by William Gaddis
STARSHIP TROOPERS by Robert Heinlein
THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP by John Irving
SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES by Ray Bradbury
THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE by Shirley Jackson
AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner
TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison
THE WOOD WIFE by Terri Windling
THE MAGUS by John Fowles
THE DOOR INTO SUMMER by Robert Heinlein
ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE by Robert Pirsig
I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
AT SWIM-TWO-BIRDS by Flann O'Brien
FARENHEIT 451 by Ray Bradbury
ARROWSMITH by Sinclair Lewis
WATERSHIP DOWN by Richard Adams
NAKED LUNCH by William S. Burroughs
THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER by Tom Clancy
GUILTY PLEASURES by Laurell K. Hamilton
THE PUPPET MASTERS by Robert Heinlein
IT by Stephen King
V. by Thomas Pynchon
DOUBLE STAR by Robert Heinlein
CITIZEN OF THE GALAXY by Robert Heinlein
BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST by Ken Kesey
A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway
THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION by Ken Kesey
MY ANTONIA by Willa Cather
MULENGRO by Charles de Lint
SUTTREE by Cormac McCarthy
MYTHAGO WOOD by Robert Holdstock
ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach
THE CUNNING MAN by Robertson Davies
THE SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie

Personal List:
SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS by
A HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS by Dave Eggers
CORALINE by Neil Gaiman
THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS by JT LeRoy
STARGIRL by Jerry Spinelli (again)
GO ASK ALICE by Anonymous/Beatrice Sparks
VINTAGE, A GHOST STORY by Steve Berman
CUT by Patricia McCormick
LOVE LESSONS by David Belbin
ANNIE ON MY MIND by Nancy Garden