like the passing of some great star

i'm not quite sure what to do with myself, now.


and there are pieces of you everywhere, worn and smudged and falling apart. even the best of us do.

onwards and upwards then.

i'm chelsea. i'm ordinary. none of that nonsense about changing your life. you'll probably forget me. we all tend to forget each other. i'm not incredibly complex, and thats ok because why would i want to be? who doesn't want people to understand them? i'm a kid. the kind that has music running through their veins instead of blood. i write notes to my future self on the inside of my wrists. my dream is to have my words brighten peoples days. right now that dream lives in chicago, i am counting down the seconds until my flight takes off. the only reason i believe in love is because of this one girl but that is enough for me. i tend to make a fool out of myself and make people laugh, and i'm perfectly content with that as long as i keep everybody body smiling.

i've decided

maybe the reason we wake up with hearts intact only to fall asleep with them dented is: one day when the latest imperfection is hammered in by clumsy hands we can look at the scratched golden surface to see its been molded into something else. something beyond, something beautiful. and to see the smudged fingerprints of everyone who has touched that heart. to know that they live, and you live, and will continue to. to march onwards. to let the smallest light shine and reflect on that heart and push away just a little bit of the darkness. just enough to see each others faces and smile. to find each others hands in the dark.one day i will make everyones hearts glow for even just a moment and the darkness will clear. and we will see the beautiful place we are in.

dear god, dear songs, dear words, dear loves: this is what i believe in.

nothing will ever feel the same as this

" it's so hard to talk about you, not because I don't love you with all of my heart but because our relationship is so different, so complex. I've pushed you out of my life more than once, but I always let you back in. Because without you...there's a gap. There's no beautiful words. There's no beautiful girl on the phone afraid to tell me they love me. There's no one that thinks like you, theres absolutely no one else like you. And I love that. No matter how many times i'm fucked over, no matter how many times I come to you crying, giving up, you reassure me that there's someone out there, to keep loving, to keep fighting. And I doubt it, I honestly do. But I will keep trying, and fighting, and loving. for you. because of you. It's so hard to explain what you mean to me. I'm almost afraid to talk about it. And I don't know why. I hate how you automatically cry when I call you crying. I love hearing you talk and just your voice. It's calming. It's safe. Don't ever think that you don't mean a lot to me, don't ever think that I don't love you, because I do, firefly. You've been with me through a lot. through it all. you know more than i let most people know about me. you know me and one day. we will meet. "

jack be nimble

think i lost the spark

the naming of things

i've got this awful feeling in my chest
like the world just ended when i was about to take a breath or
blink away the tears. the chills up my spine remind me of the night you stuck your fist through the window and the cold air rushed in searching for warm corners of the room.
i can remember the scars on your knuckles much more than i can remember your face.
you only come here when you are hurt or sad, i hope you never come here again. kept our feet tucked under each other and read our fortunes, the scratches on our palms and the bottom of coffee cups. the stories of shadows on bedroom floors and hearts dug out of chests. the blood on his hands when he looked out the window. pulse stuttering out of his skin with her hand fisted in his collar.god, you make me believe in god. if i turn around right now your eyes will be dark like when you just wake up, and your fingers cold like they always are.
i know you'll try to touch me and i just can't hold it in anymore.i've got this awful feeling in my chest and all i can think to do is press my fingers into the grooves between your ribs.

dream to remember, sleep to forget.
the way you make make heart beat like machine gun fire
i've got the death toll written all over my face. i dream, and trees grow in the streets, bird sing. i sleep, and your edges start to blur and fade.

take a breath, blink away the tears.

"i solemnly swear i am up to no good"

home

what i exist for comes down to this.
this moment.


"boomerang my head, back to the city i grew up in..."

"valiant"

our fingerprints don't match but our hands cast the same shadow. you sleep in your bed, she sleeps on the floor, i sleep in between classes. day shift, night shift, unemployment line. we all dream whether we remember or not. we eat, breathe, shit, grow. we shed and spit blood. sing or just mouth along. forty-six chromosomes and a combination of X and Y. you count sheep while i count your eyelashes. our fingerprints dont match but

i dont much fucking care
when
our hands are pressed together.

used to be one of the rotten ones

your voice breaks my chest open like a fortune. i think of you at night and wonder if you've stayed clean and if you are happy and in love. remember when you were my shadow? i kept you close, wrapped around my ankles and wrists. remember when i lost my mind? screaming at things that weren't there, you rested your hand against the nape of my neck. you don't even exist beyond the edges of my heart.
a figment of the worlds imagination. a collective hallucination.
a lonely thief. a cricket on my shoulder. a fuck you can't forget or fight out of your system.
you will be my sweetest downfall, dreaming of empty wine bottles and sleeping in the corners of dark rooms. i drained your only crutch in the sink, set your love on fire on the kitchen floor. we bombed the city as the sun came up.
i met you at a party, in a bar, in central park, on the subway- we whispered and told stories and cut out our spines. we skinned ourselves on someones couch. we cut off all our eyelashes.
tonight my lips are blue and all i can feel are the shadows biting at my wrists and ankles where your fingerprints burned in.

these are the things i think about

when i'm alone without you. i wonder of your whereabouts, and hope to hell you're happy where you are.

sometimes the planets align
i like to push them into place
make your own luck
clovers crafted from paper and glue
white rabbits foot still clutching that pocketwatch
sweet tooth fight that bitter pill
bleach bone skeletons get their fill
of benzedrine, she's it for me
got your veins split wide open
the preacher's knocking at your door
while counting the specks in the tiles,
half asleep on the bathroom floor.

a bit of dialogue for you:

-hey.
- what?
-you're ugly and boring.

i'll admit, it's hard to talk shit with a bruised jaw. i'll keep this in the dip between thumb and finger, behind the back of my knees, tucked into the hollow behind my ears.

lost things.

wishful thinking

lake effect kid: in case i wasn't the only one wondering. woe-begone, baby gone.

funny how it can work out. that little record spinning in a dark corner of the room makes the world stop. i know what i'm going to do. i was born for that city and that city was made for me. for all of us who have certain words and hearts in common. i've been a coward my whole life. now its time to "do what scares me the most". i'll go it alone if i have to. they say you don't regret the things you do- but the things you don't. i won't stay here and turn to dust like the rest of them. i refuse to live a rinse and repeat life. i refuse to be less than what i am.

"saturday..."

our scars are our personal table of contents

The Modern Library Top 100 Novels (Reader's List)
ATLAS SHRUGGED by Ayn Rand
THE FOUNTAINHEAD by Ayn Rand
BATTLEFIELD EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
THE LORD OF THE RINGS by J.R.R. Tolkien
TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD by Harper Lee
1984 by George Orwell
ANTHEM by Ayn Rand
WE THE LIVING by Ayn Rand
MISSION EARTH by L. Ron Hubbard
FEAR by L. Ron Hubbard
ULYSSES by James Joyce
CATCH-22 by Joseph Heller
THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald
DUNE by Frank Herbert
THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS by Robert Heinlein
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND by Robert Heinlein
A TOWN LIKE ALICE by Nevil Shute
BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
GRAVITY'S RAINBOW by Thomas Pynchon
THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck
SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
GONE WITH THE WIND by Margaret Mitchell
LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
SHANE by Jack Schaefer
TRUSTEE FROM THE TOOLROOM by Nevil Shute
A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY by John Irving
THE STAND by Stephen King
THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN by John Fowles
BELOVED by Toni Morrison
THE WORM OUROBOROS by E.R. Eddison
THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
MOONHEART by Charles de Lint
ABSALOM, ABSALOM! by William Faulkner
OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham
WISE BLOOD by Flannery O'Connor
UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
FIFTH BUSINESS by Robertson Davies
SOMEPLACE TO BE FLYING by Charles de Lint
ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac
HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
YARROW by Charles de Lint
AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS by H.P. Lovecraft
ONE LONELY NIGHT by Mickey Spillane
MEMORY AND DREAM by Charles de Lint
TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
THE MOVIEGOER by Walker Percy
TRADER by Charles de Lint
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY by Douglas Adams
THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
THE HANDMAID'S TALE by Margaret Atwood
BLOOD MERIDIAN by Cormac McCarthy
A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
ON THE BEACH by Nevil Shute
A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
GREENMANTLE by Charles de Lint
ENDER'S GAME by Orson Scott Card
THE LITTLE COUNTRY by Charles de Lint
THE RECOGNITIONS by William Gaddis
STARSHIP TROOPERS by Robert Heinlein
THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP by John Irving
SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES by Ray Bradbury
THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE by Shirley Jackson
AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner
TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison
THE WOOD WIFE by Terri Windling
THE MAGUS by John Fowles
THE DOOR INTO SUMMER by Robert Heinlein
ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE by Robert Pirsig
I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
AT SWIM-TWO-BIRDS by Flann O'Brien
FARENHEIT 451 by Ray Bradbury
ARROWSMITH by Sinclair Lewis
WATERSHIP DOWN by Richard Adams
NAKED LUNCH by William S. Burroughs
THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER by Tom Clancy
GUILTY PLEASURES by Laurell K. Hamilton
THE PUPPET MASTERS by Robert Heinlein
IT by Stephen King
V. by Thomas Pynchon
DOUBLE STAR by Robert Heinlein
CITIZEN OF THE GALAXY by Robert Heinlein
BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST by Ken Kesey
A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway
THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
SOMETIMES A GREAT NOTION by Ken Kesey
MY ANTONIA by Willa Cather
MULENGRO by Charles de Lint
SUTTREE by Cormac McCarthy
MYTHAGO WOOD by Robert Holdstock
ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach
THE CUNNING MAN by Robertson Davies
THE SATANIC VERSES by Salman Rushdie

Personal List:
SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS by
A HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS by Dave Eggers
CORALINE by Neil Gaiman
THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS by JT LeRoy
STARGIRL by Jerry Spinelli (again)
GO ASK ALICE by Anonymous/Beatrice Sparks
VINTAGE, A GHOST STORY by Steve Berman
CUT by Patricia McCormick
LOVE LESSONS by David Belbin
ANNIE ON MY MIND by Nancy Garden

does he lay awake listening to your breath

worried you smoke too many cigarettes

i am in love with the most beautiful girl in the world

i found this and it made me think of kayla:

“People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway.”

silly bear, i want you to dream again.

collide like dying suns

catch lightning in your killing jar
tack your luck to the wall like moths or butterflies
birds with stiff wings and glass eyes that dont sing you to sleep
shed feathers onto your floor
the inside of my mouth is all cut up
maybe from eating nothing but my own words
you'd think by now i'd have learned enough to speak what i feel
sick of being so damned tragic
stitch up your mouth and tape shut your eyes
sing yourself some lullabies
dream of a little king who read the bible at night
and the girl with blonde hair who dies in the moonlight
every other tuesday (including major holidays)

nothing but a goddamned traitor
very still, very quiet.

your timing is off

i won't eat anymore because i think you might be poisoning me
you have a habit of ruining the mood
the planes fly low over head and with whats left of my fingernails
im digging into the skin beneath my lids
you talk about the bills that need to be paid
you talk about how you have to go to the dentists soon maybe
you talk about how he's leaving on saturday and how you have therapy
and i mention how now you have something to talk about.
"what makes you think you could ever escape this?"
he could end up at the bottom of everything.
crash into the deep blue sea while everyone swallows their film and downs shots and
drag their fingers over the black box.
on and on and on
hang up redial
on and on and on

vampire hours
truth be told the thing i'm looking forward to most is crawling out the window at night
without his watchdog eyes gleaming with the reflection from the tv
my lungs are swollen with the breath i'm holding waiting for you
i wonder how long it takes for the heart to decay

what i wouldn't give to feel your bones digging into my knuckles
you can't talk without teeth
thank fucking god maybe i'll get some sleep tonight

i honestly think you're poisoning me.

in other news: you. babygirl lookin so sad. you. bleeding out in the dirt. shine so bright its insane.
i have some secret words i found to share, i am in love with this person i don't know but i would like to live and sleep inside of their words for a while.

do what you need to be happy

death is just natures way of telling you to slow down.
the hardest part of all of this is realizing i'm okay without you, i hope you are the same way.
and its not so much regretting anything as knowing now it didn't have to be done.
my faith is on the path to renewal right now, maybe i'll run into you on a lonely city street some night.
i've been listening to a lot of spill canvas and bright eyes recently, its putting my head back in the right place.
finished perks of being a wallflower again.
two years ago it completely rearranged everything i am, and it did it again.
not so much anything that happens in the book but the way it is said and how maybe i've looked right through some people who are like that, and how much i might be missing out.
i bet somewhere in this world there is someone who happy and in love right now and sometimes that is enough for me.
does that mean i'm okay too? when you are happy other peoples happiness is nice to see as well, but when you're not, it hurts or makes you angry.
maybe this is me trying to be a better person.
my hands aren't even cold right now, and you are humming in the back room with the shades drawn.
dear god the things you do to me.

tongue stitched up to the roof of my mouth.
kept some wishes in my back molars but your mouth tricked them out of hiding.
threw up fairytales in the bathroom sink but now you're living one.
in the cemetary there is an angel whose face is black and bruised and has ink under its fingernails.
cold to the touch.
voodoo doll on lonely strings. your skin is so pale and i can trace the bluepurpleblue veins trickling up and down under it. over muscle, over bone. i never had a mind to make out constellations but for some reason i remember each freckle on your wrist or cheek.
dont throw stones at glass hearts.
i would cast a spell over the whole city if it meant stopping the noise for a moment.

currently: in love with words and voices, still taking some time off. listening for your voice every five seconds.
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

and maybe you're just around the next corner

or maybe i'm just not looking hard enough.
right now my heart is on a redeye transcontinental flight from new york to l.a.
or chicago to miami.
from here to there and back again.
point A, point B. no point me.
he is probably in love with someone who throws up a hundred dollars after every dinner
who has measurements stained across her waist.
save it for your casket.
i've spent so many years clawing at the wood and nails.
everythings splintered, everyone scattered.
its not the same one moment to the next.
tucked your tears into vodka bottles beneath your bedroom floor.
one foot in your bedroom, one foot out the door.
purring and lurching like an engine in your chest.
treating hearts like cars. always trading up.
the stars at night aren't as big and bright as you make them out to be-
and every wish we make is on stars beamed out ages ago.
or they bleed into the moments just after 11:11.
give in give out or give up.
or just sleep for a while.
let the sandman steal you again.
go to neverland and play pretend.

stop believing and you start falling.
they say experience is the best teacher...

oh darling i know what you're going through

"You’re like a fire fly, a spark, a glow, a match in the darkness. And I will go wherever the light takes me. "

moth wing skin.
fall to pieces beneath your fingertips.
the only converstations that matter are the ones between
your hands and someone elses skin.
i was born for the small of your back.
the headlights illuminated the veins threaded beneath
the paleness of your skin
caught the light and exploded into viole(n)t color.
the only ones who want to burn out quietly in the night are the tired and defeated.
i've still got the spark in my veins to keep me warm
now that you're not here putting out cigarettes on my lungs.
did you hide his bones beneath your floorboards
the walls have ears thet lean in to listen

dream to remember, sleep to forget.
here's to no more promises.
to not giving a fuck.
to watching the blood wash down the drain

i can barely feel anything real

happiness is overrated. i think i'll just sleep a long long long long time & hope i wake up where i'm supposed to be.

if i'm supposed to be anywhere.

you & i always made more sense written down than standing up

But I'm afraid to keep on living without you.

they say there are plenty of fish in the sea. but i dont want fish. i want you.

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

and kiss those dying ears so softly that the reaper stops to swoon

galaxy eater.
swallow constellations until the stars ring your insides like tiny christmas lights.
my breath rises up like smoke & i think of you.
i'm sorry if i'm making this hard.
i'm sorry if i ever make or made you sad.

i just wish you hadn't told me i'll always be alone.
i just wish you weren't right.

"if you can hear me, knock twice on your casket door"

i'll write this song to win your kiss but stay asleep instead

today i walked through the fog crushing dandelions grown up through the concrete and dreamt of driving through the city. i'd hook up an apparatus filled with gasoline and mark my path through the streets like some explosive form of breadcrumbs. ignite. and watch the world burn.

its not as sick as they think it is.

you are the worse habit ever. 'you can't miss what you never had'. exploding too slowly for anyone to notice. you never start the rescue effort during the calm before the storm. you wait for the waves to crash and roofs to fall in and water levels to rise. you wait for the death count. and try to salvage what you can. measure your losses. i'll fuck up the city of my bones and muscle so bad they'll leave me as ruins. a sign of what not to become. atlantis, crushed on the sea floor. legendary.

i'll sing for you until these nicotine lungs collapse. smoke and ash under my tongue, surrounding my teeth & gums. addiction underneath my fingernails. count your wishes on my ribcage. one day my liver will put in my two weeks notice, how many years after my heart.

you are still my worst habit. i'm not as sick as they say i am, i swear. fuckedfuckedfucked.

carved into my tombstone: "don't try." you are the epidemic beneath my skin. you always remember your first. thinking you love someone is just as bad as loving/hating them. you've got these tired eyes all the time. but i'll think of you every day until i die. until i rot.

glass passenger

he said, "i can die as well as any man."

neuron love.
machine gun heart.
fire at anything that moves.
the glow hollowed out my beins.
a key is useless without a lock &
we traded trust for deadbolts and shotguns.
ruby slipper wishes
if home is where the heart is
mines been burnt to the ground
ashes stuck to your soles
the dead dont make a sound
black hole head
nothing shines behind shuttered lids
underdeveloped & overexposed
i want to know things about you that
no one else knows.

down they forgot as up they grew.

what do i do now?

you are the one person i would crash cars with all night

but i can almost see that silver band on your finger already.

"there is one person on this planet that i would love to lay on a curb with and count on the stars.

its too bad you are asleep."

secret oath

talk is cheap.
and i've got short arms and deep pockets.

i guess what i mean to say is the way the last light played out against your skin makes me sick. bubble and fizz.
warm hands pressing for mine in the dark.
i spoke about pale skin and freckles
held those tarnished keys to my lips.
everyone always asks.
i say, it just seems right.
love songs on every station,
and my whole mouth just tastes like cheap metal.
metal and bone.
he looks at me like he knows im playing a game.
not like sorry or life
like chicken on the highway
he turns off the headlights and strays into the next lane just for me
laughter dripping down your chin
"how alive would we feel with concrete in our skin and steel crashed into our mouths"
he says he doesnt know.
turn the dial, another love song.
the key turns my lips a strange color that lasts the rest of the night.
he breathes on my neck before i go to sleep,
i turn on my side and wonder if tonights the night i dont wake up from.

freckle freckle what makes you so special.
i dreamt that you tugged cigarette fingers around my wrist and cried with de(e/a)r in the headlight eyes wide open
ribs whittled down like a skeleton

woe

that boy burns like a furnace.
nicotine lungs,
smoke em out.
strapped down, hospital bed crawl,
they tell him, "and breathe out."
release/sing/unlock/unwind.
she asks, did you know hearts look like fists covered in blood?
and he breathes out.
she asks, did you know that if you fold 1000 paper cranes your wishes are granted?
and he breathes out.
tangled in red string, hung from the moon.
dreams hooked up to hospital machines, flatlining and eyes glossy.
the vodka makes her waltz like a ballerina.
you'd never know the difference minus the redrimmed gaze
and the way her breath washes over you like a hangover.
got a body of wax
a heart of glass
your mouth tastes like metal and bone.
and breathe out.

get in my bed, i wanna kill you

tell me how that concrete tasted digging into your bones
an elixer of blood and teeth
that house is alive
it breathes and whispers and you creep down hallways
for you my heart unfurls like a flag
for you i have hurricanes in the back of my mind
thunder bursting in my spine, floodgates in my eyes.
when it comes down to it
i guess we'll just wait and see
hung my heart on a hook and threw it out to sea...

i must confess i am in love with my sins

lovesick in bathroom sinks
lions with teeth roam city streets
digging shallow graves into your wrists
your empire will fall one day
scars up your spine, make your dreams mine
at night I’m just running reels of white noise and static through my eyes
wake up with ashes smudged in your lashes
blood underneath your fingernails
up in arms
“ ‘theres plenty of fish in the sea’, quip pretty fishermen in stocked lakes and fish farms”
i don’t need streets paved with gold
or your fucking hourly wage
i just want to get through the night without clawing at my throat
aching for breath
one day we’re going to use up all our wishes
and the stars will die out
when you’re alone in that darkness
who is going to hold your hand?

i don’t care where you head lies, as long as it is close to mine.
i don’t care what you think, as long as its about me.
tell me if I smashed you head in how good would the secrets that pour out be
etc, etc.

you seem like the type of girl

who puts out her cigarette in her beer and forgets and tries to drink from it a half hour later--

and maybe your future to you just looks like the white bottom of a red plastic cup